sugar donuts and a rest

December 23, 2009 § 8 Comments

The PET scan is the top dog of all scans – minus the dog. Dogs will be covered in a upcoming post entitled “my daughters surrogate.”

Prep for a PET scan, is strikimgly similar to the low carb, high fat South Beach diet.

In the case of a PET scan, you  replace 12 ounce cans of Coke Zero with  an 8 oz can of mint flavored canola oil infused with a nuclear tracer. For those of you concerned about the ill effects of artificial sweeteners, rest assured, more research dollars are spent on irradicating calories than cancer –  drink up.

My technician for the scan was the young and studly Andrew (or was it Aaron?) . We became fast friends. I offered my blood and in exchange, he promised to start his toxic elixor. But it was simply a tease; infusion interuptus. There were technical difficulties with the machine and technicians would need a couple of days to repair it.

I was ok with that. I had plans to go to DC for business the following day and any surprise, good or bad could wait.

I  was relieved, I was sedated, and I smiled for this picture below.

I returned a couple days later to the imaging clinic. Greeted tenderly by none other than Andrew (or Aoron). And, having made it through the better part of the week mostly coherent  and often charming I doubled my dose of valium and slept soundly in the sugar donut.

Reality is tough, but the unknown, a black hole of horror. That said, Marty and I wanted the diagnosis asap. We arriving uncharacteristically early we took advantage of some free parking. A little know trick I had gleaned from my daily rdx excursions.

It was delightful to be welcomed with enthusiastic hellos. The kind of hellos that suggest pleasant outcomes.

I brought chocolates just in case the ornery crew required some softening. But nothing sweeten the blow.

True, a single 2 inch tumor is far  better than the multiples we had feared. Unfortunately, this particular 2″ mass reared it’s ugly head inside of mine close to critical organs like  my spinal cord and brain.

Everyone was so busy with upcoming holiday schedules and the “real” emergencies at hand, that coordinating a biopsy was yet another hassle.  Yes, BA Cancer was the most likely candidtae, at the same time its presentations without mets and in my skull suggest good news would be in short supply. I have officially crossed the line to pessimist. Then again, I havbe been up since 4a, somewhat uncomfortable and burning multiple batches of cookies.

The relentless pressure on my head and neck is a constant reminder of  the alien within.

How do I feel? My head hurts, my humor is dark and  I thank god my friends and family have not yet bored of my stories, tsoris and tears.

The other evening I had a crying fest with my 9 year old. She shared that she was sad that I had cancer again, that she would miss my walking her to school daily and picking her up on a regular basis.  Guilty and pained I missed her already.

My compassionate  child did her best to comfort me. “It’s  not your fault you have cancer again mom, I love you.

Tell it to the gods, and to the wind and to the forces of nature over which there is not an once of control

xoxomomo

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§ 8 Responses to sugar donuts and a rest

  • Gail says:

    new recipe

    an ounce of courage
    a smidgeon of hope
    a bunch of tzouris
    a dirth of information
    a gaggle of friends
    a ton of support
    stir gently . . .

    equals = one hell of a fight
    all hands on deck!

    Love and knishes
    Gail

  • Faye says:

    I love you- and I am an optimist-
    Your spirit, beauty and humor will no go without a fight and if you need more energy- take mine!!!!!!

    Faye

  • Amanda says:

    Just know that even when you’re not feeling it yourself, those of us who love you are holding onto optimism for you. You’re strong, resourceful and courageous. Just like you found the free parking, you will find a way to beat this! We’re here for you…whatever you need. Love, Amanda and Cindy Gard

  • Linda says:

    Would that I could give you some of my optimism, too. But I was recently outed by that very high EQ daughter of yours, and swiftly, I might add –over a bagel! Nevertheless, I have an abiding belief in you, dahlink, and the love that will always surround you. From where I am sitting, (pacing, praying…ok, praying, for god sakes, you’ve got me praying!), there is reason to hope.

    Love,

    One of the Lindas.

  • Susan Fox says:

    I’m thinking of you constantly and woke up this morning being all Shakespearean and chanting “Out, damned spot! Out, I say! One: two: why? then ’tis time… Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier…” I’m praying and visualizing and chanting and sending love and courage and taking comfort in knowing how strong and how resilient you are and how you are a miracle maker and how above all you know how to get your way. So here’s to you my beautiful soldier. Rick and I are here and ready to bring you more meringues, to bring love and support and silly laughs. We love you.

  • Just wanted to let you know that you are often in my thoughts these days. I, too, am bundling up my optimism so that you may borrow it — or hell, just have it! — when you need it.

    Have the best holiday possible. Love your family. Make memories. Enjoy the hell out of it! And keep reaching out. We are all reaching back!

  • Maura says:

    We love you and Frannie and Marty and we will be there to love Frannie even more while you focus on fighting the egg!
    Maura and Zoe

  • Gail says:

    counting the minutes till you are back
    on the path to healing and wellness
    (this “holding pattern” must suck big time)

    am thinking light, airy, gently thoughts

    calm – soothing – quiet – peaceful – joyful – loving – prayers

    May healing wash over you
    May you find relief
    May all your prayers be answered –
    and none too soon!

    Love,
    Gail

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